Cold…dark…gloomy…frightened…

Uncertain….confused….angry…..desperate…

Lonely…depressed…torn apart….helpless…

Anxious…at the end….surrendered !

This is not a good things to start a new year…i’m so sorry if i wrote about dark things today…but this is a part of my healing process. So please bear with me.

As i learn about my mom’s condition lately that her cancer spreads already to her brain…those are only several feelings that i can express with words. I really want to scream so loud that i could….it seems like every effort that i and my brother did, turned out to be a counterattack to her body. Last year, we decided to have a laminectomy surgery for our mom, cause the doctors told us that we had to do it in order to prevent paralysis since her cancer cell in her backbone already made a fracture in her bone. Without asking for second opinion (this was our biggest mistake!!) we agreed to do it and blindly trusted those doctors. But please dear friends….learn from our mistakes, don’t put your trust only in one doctor, especially if they tell you about doing surgery for elderly. Always ask for second opinion from other doctors and consider about the recovery things, how will their body react to the medicine, would there be allergic reaction, what is the side effect of the operation and medication to her wellbeing, and so on….

In my mom’s case, they didn’t inform us earlier about the rejection possibility from her body to the metal things that had been inserted to her backbone, and unluckily it did happen to her. That’s why after several months her wound wouldn’t heal and keep opening. This failure procedure has made her body weaker and also lowered her immune systems, so that the cancer spreads to her brain. We regret this mistake a lot, we do everything that we can do, to make things better but it didn’t work. At the end we had to pull that metal things from her backbone and all of her pain and suffering for those surgeries became useless. Nothing get better, her condition is only worse

So…here comes the questions, should i let her go?? Dear friends, although i am a psychologist, i have to deliver the truth….nobody is ready to be left behind…..nobody! Other people could say…we have to let them go, we have to prepare for the worst, and so on…..but no one….none of us will be ready to face death, our death or our beloved one, without dealing with painful feelings…..

So here i am…..i told my self i have to prepare for the worst but if i can bargain to God…for sure, i will ask for several more years to spend with her since i have a lot of plans to do with her, to make her happy. What is the most scariest things of death is…you can’t see them anywhere anymore, you can’t touch or hug them or hear their voice if you miss them…but still….death is certain, everything comes to an end and we have to accept it.

So here i am….sitting in the dark, crying out loud till my tears dried. As a child i hate darkness a lot, but now i am making friends with it. Somehow i find peaceful in darkness since it’s offer a safe place to cry and rest for a while before we continue our journey. After gathered some power, i will keep standing and holding her hands, accompany her till her last. Maybe i don’t have much time, but i still have time to show my mom how much i care and love her. I will do anything to make her fell better and comfortable.

Dear friends…..rather than thinking what we can’t do, we find power to stand and move on if we think about what we can do….everything will come to an end but let us make a beautiful ending, so that they will live beautifully in our memory.

To those who have the same situation like me….let me virtually hug you, you are not alone! We don’t have to pretend that we are good and ok, no……it’s okay to not be okay….but…It shall pass….Hang on! God bless you!